Wet Socks: Three-week blog break, aka ‘The fake voice and the tale of too many exclamation points’

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Many of you (read three) have noticed that I haven’t updated the site in awhile. Well, it had to do with sitting idle during an interview process for a possible job (or “career opportunity” if we’re going to be PC). The position was a copyeditor with a large area retailer, which I didn’t get. (If you need more of a hint, think “bulls-eye” or an archery Target. Wait, shit. Nevermind.) I realize that companies check prospective employees’ myspace accounts and facebook pages, so I figure any reasonably intelligent manager could find my blog.

(One of my friends actually said, “But how do you think they would find it?” He neglected to remember the fact that my NAME is the fucking address.)

As the big archery symbol kept me in the running for the job, I didn’t want to update my blog with “I hate fucking soccer moms who don’t know how to order at Chipotle,” or “Wedding Crashers is to actual weddings as Saved by the Bell is to actual high school,” in fear that a hiring manager would stumble across my largely unread bemoanings and keep me out of gainful employment. I have a few blogs ready to go up here and they will be coming in the next couple days. Anyways, this is basically what happened during my time away from blogging. Enjoy this long-winded, rambling, largely unedited account of an honest, hard-working man grasping at straws to move away from home.

For whatever reason, I never know how to act around human resources employees. And not all of them - but the ones with completely fake, bouncy attitudes who use a high-pitched, “I’m so artificially positive that everyone around me wants to stab their own eyes out” tone of voice. It’s like you’re trying to get a job from the high school overachiever who made you feel like you weren’t applying yourself as you spent most afternoons playing pick-up basketball and video games.

(Story that deviates from the column that I enjoy telling: During a college tour of Mankato many years ago, some friends and I sat in the enrollment office and waited for our tour guide. Just then, a female walked in wearing her letter jacket, adorned with so many fucking bars and patches that she must have been someone who played three varsity sports or choirs or bands since eighth grade─ maybe she was a real-life Saved by the Bell character? The damn jacket even had medals on it. So we’re sitting there and my friend says, “Looking at her makes me think I never did anything in high school…” Then I responded, “Yeah, too bad she can’t bring her medals with her to college.” We laughed and didn’t think too much about it again. Anyways, I feel that same way when I get e-mails from HR. It’s not that I hate HR, many people are phenomenal and very helpful – my mother has worked in HR for more than 25 years. It’s just that the stereotypical ones freak me the hell out.)

Their fake positivity even translates over to print medias, where they will use more exclamation points than ever warranted in the most mundane e-mail situations. (I mean, are you really THAT excited to send me directions to downtown Minneapolis? It’s very “These pretzels are making me thirsty!!”) So whenever I have to reply to those e-mails, it always takes me at least five minutes to think, well, since she wrote “Hi Elliot(exclamation point!)” do I have to respond with “Hello (exclamation point!)” If I don’t show my excitement, they’ll think I’m a jaded prick. I better throw in an exclamation point. And then at the closing of the message, they write, “I’ll look forward talking to you tomorrow, Elliott (exclamation point!)”

Which isn’t even my name OR a correct statement about her emotions, unless she meant that tomorrow she will be looking forward to our interview, and today she couldn’t care fucking less. Yes, I’m being an ass now, but after two months of rigmarole, that’s what happens. Yeah, it shouldn’t matter but when you’re being hired to COPY EDIT and PROOFREAD, that type of shit causes a 10 minute inner-monologue about the virtue of using punctuation literally. (Am I literally that excited? This last job offer I actually was, which is probably half pathetic and twice as sad.)

Anyways, I was asked by a friend to e-mail Person A my resume and cover letter. About an hour later, I sent it off. It was June 29.

So I waited a few days to hear back, nothing. Being that they asked for my materials, I e-mailed Person A about the status of the position and to follow up if possible. It was now July 10. I heard nothing back.

Then on July 24, I get a call from Person B from said company, asking me questions about the job and history, etc. We set up a phone interview for the 27th. Everything goes well in that interview, and at the end Person B asks me what times would be good to set up a face-to-face interview. I respond that it might be easier to work around the schedules of the hiring managers and Person B agrees. She says she will be in touch soon.

A week passes, nothing. So I call on that Friday and leave a voicemail saying what times would work for me. The next Monday, I receive an e-mail saying I should expect a call soon.

So we need to e-mail about a call? How about we just call OR e-mail and get it done? This doesn’t seem wasteful to anyone else? So the next day – Aug. 7 – I receive a call from Person C about the position. Through this person I set up the actual interview, and I’m told that Person B will be contacting about the process. Person B e-mails to say she will call later to follow up. She does not. I’m beginning to think Person B is inept.

You know what’s great about e-mail and cell phones? They’re instant and they’re widely accessible. You can’t run from your phone that is constantly stuck in your pocket, and you can’t tell someone you hadn’t seen the e-mail that came to the work desk that you sit at for eight hours a day. You can only try to ignore the messages and claim ignorance. But don’t assault my intelligence and just act like you didn’t get the message. E-mail is for all intensive purposes seamless at a large company. You’re not at Crazy Uncle Rico’s Clothing Corral for the crissakes.

So I take the interview on a Friday– after waiting 25 minutes for Person C to get me from the lobby – and everything goes great. I meet Person A and Person D, who tell me about the position, editing and proofing the millions of advertisements the company sends out. It sounds like an exciting opportunity and I ace the interview. I’m pumped.

After the interview, I’m given a standard-issue editing worksheet to complete and send back. It’s remedial, I dominate it and FedEx it back within this weekend.

Then, I wait. It’s Aug. 13 and I send a thank you letter to Person A with confirmation of assignment completion. She does not reply. She has never replied. I’m thinking that I should have sent Person B and C thank you e-mails. But Person B wouldn’t have responded until two weeks later.

So I wait another week until I receive an e-mail from Person B about the job. She asks if we can talk today or tomorrow. I respond three minutes later and say I am available both times and would like to talk about the position. If they are just going to give me the “piss-off voicemail,” they already would have on Monday, right? Why would they keep this up if it was all for naught?

But Person B does not call that day. She does not call the next day. Late in the afternoon, she e-mails and asks if we can talk on Thursday. I reply that I’m available that afternoon, Wednesday or Thursday.

I wait for Thursday Person B does not call. I haven’t felt this rejected since the age of high school dances. Actually, this is worse because the rejectors never feigned interest. After receiving nothing by Thursday afternoon, I send an e-mail and voicemail to Person B again stating that I’m available and hope to talk soon. That’s right folks - we’re reached Maxim dicktease levels here.

By this point, I’ve ditched the exclamation points. I also send a message to Person C, since she actually responds to e-mails. She does reply. Person C is roses, and tells me that she forwarded the message to Person B.

Friday at about 11:30 a.m., right as I’m laying out the paper since our editor decided to go on vacation for three weeks, I get a call on my cell phone. I check the voicemail once the pages go out ─ Person B tells me they decided to go in another direction.

Really??? We needed to stretch that out? What is going on over there? All of one week? No. Then Monday? No. Tuesday? No. Thursday? No. Anyways, I called Person B back to find out what things I might need to work on or to receive some constructive criticism and surprise, she didn’t respond. I wonder if she actually has a phone over there or just a phantom voicemail box.
Maybe I should have written Person B an e-mail. Then I could have at least used exclamation points in their intended usage.
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Elliot writes regularly for a daily newspaper that few respect outside of its readership. He writes for this blog that for the most part has no readership. He appreciates everyone that comes by elliotmann.org.

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